Sometimes I get that sickening feeling in my stomach that I haven't really accomplished anything yet. Like, as in, there are people around my age like Tavi Gevinson, who is the editor in chief of one of the best resources for teen girls (in my humble opinion), or Malala Yousafzai, who freaking stood up against the Taliban for the sake of education.
And what am I up to? I'm a courtesy clerk in high school who blogs too much and takes mediocre pictures and still hasn't gotten any college acceptance letters. I mean, just looking at this list of Forbes' 30 Under 30 gets me so depressed. What am I doing with my life?
Does anyone else ever get this terrified that they're not going to do anything...important? Like, am I ever going to end up on 30 Under 30? Am I ever going to be featured on CNN, or in Vanity Fair? Am I ever going to be in one of those viral Youtube videos that touches billions of viewers, or the subject of an inspiring Rookie interview by Tavi? Am I smart enough to drop out of university to found the newest trendy iPhone app or make progress in stem cell research? Or am I doomed to spend my four-year degree working a 9-5 for the rest of my life?
There's so much pressure to do it now, make something of myself now. It's all just a matter of effort and sheer talent. Am I really as smart as I think I am? If I was, then wouldn't I have graduated from UCLA by now, or made my first million? I should have at least made some sort of impact on the world, like fed the hungry or saved a premature baby. Instead, I maintain a solid 3.9 overall GPA and anonymously publish depressing short fiction.
It's so Augustus Waters of me, but really, if I do anything, it's this. I want to have made my mark, my scar on the world. I can't bear to walk lightly upon the Earth. I want to leave my trail of footsteps. I want to matter.
There is still time, I guess, and a lot more experience to come. But time is such a finite concept to me, and my biggest fear, I've realized, is that I will never make something of myself. I will simply exist. Which is not so bad to some people, but it's not what I want to leave behind.
Am I making sense? Maybe I just haven't been getting enough sleep lately.
|American Horror Story: Asylum (Source: Unknown)|
I can breathe a sigh of relief,
because there will be so much to look forward to."