Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Normal People Scare Me

I feel like, lately, there have been so many things that I am trying to say but I physically can't. I don't know why, or how. It just feels like there's so many stories that are meant to be told from my words but I don't know how to tell them. I feel like I am not making any sense at all and that really I just seem sort of mad. 

Sometimes I get that sickening feeling in my stomach that I haven't really accomplished anything yet. Like, as in, there are people around my age like Tavi Gevinson, who is the editor in chief of one of the best resources for teen girls (in my humble opinion), or Malala Yousafzai, who freaking stood up against the Taliban for the sake of education.

And what am I up to? I'm a courtesy clerk in high school who blogs too much and takes mediocre pictures and still hasn't gotten any college acceptance letters. I mean, just looking at this list of Forbes' 30 Under 30 gets me so depressed. What am I doing with my life? 

Does anyone else ever get this terrified that they're not going to do anything...important? Like, am I ever going to end up on 30 Under 30? Am I ever going to be featured on CNN, or in Vanity Fair? Am I ever going to be in one of those viral Youtube videos that touches billions of viewers, or the subject of an inspiring Rookie interview by Tavi? Am I smart enough to drop out of university to found the newest trendy iPhone app or make progress in stem cell research? Or am I doomed to spend my four-year degree working a 9-5 for the rest of my life?

There's so much pressure to do it now, make something of myself now. It's all just a matter of effort and sheer talent. Am I really as smart as I think I am? If I was, then wouldn't I have graduated from UCLA by now, or made my first million? I should have at least made some sort of impact on the world, like fed the hungry or saved a premature baby. Instead, I maintain a solid 3.9 overall GPA and anonymously publish depressing short fiction.

It's so Augustus Waters of me, but really, if I do anything, it's this. I want to have made my mark, my scar on the world. I can't bear to walk lightly upon the Earth. I want to leave my trail of footsteps. I want to matter.

There is still time, I guess, and a lot more experience to come. But time is such a finite concept to me, and my biggest fear, I've realized, is that I will never make something of myself. I will simply exist. Which is not so bad to some people, but it's not what I want to leave behind. 

Am I making sense? Maybe I just haven't been getting enough sleep lately.

American Horror Story: Asylum (Source: Unknown)
Brie Larson (Source: Variety's Ultimate Awards Studio)

"I hope that when the world comes to an end,
I can breathe a sigh of relief,
because there will be so much to look forward to."
-Donnie Darko


  1. Nooo you make perfect sense! I worry about this all the time, my biggest fear is being an average piece of human. But you put this in words!

  2. love american horror story so much!


  3. Oh wow I really know what you mean. However, I do not think that what you do with your life/how successful/how significant you are is merely down to effort and talent. I think that it is also about how people respond to you and probably a bit of luck. I guess that factors such as finance and time etc could probably contribute too. I think that I just want to do what makes me happy and I'd love for it to make other people happy too. Oh gosh, that sounds so x1000000 cheesy. Also, The Smiths are my favourite band <3 <3 <3

  4. i feel the same way like you! it's hard to find what you should do in this life. to do something important and influence many people was not easy. sometimes i feel like my precious 17 years was nothing because i didn't do any transformation. but now i realize i need to change. i need to try to be a better women every day and try something new. something out of the box. although the results are not necessarily up to expectations, at least we already try it :-)