Saturday, April 5, 2014

swimming through your galaxy

The last few weeks have been... overwhelming. 

It's just weird to have these dates, deadlines, countdowns hanging above your head. I feel like I've completely lost my grip on the concept of time. I look at the calendar and it tells me there's four months left, then all of a sudden I wake up and it's here. It's hard for me to put into words. 

I want to lay down and put everything on pause for a while, but at the same time I'm on my toes ready to run at a moment's notice. I'm not even sure what I'm so eager to escape anymore.  I just know that I'm looking ahead, and it's gorgeous up there.

No matter what, though, I still can't imagine myself missing this dinky farm town overflowing with the overinflated egos of spoiled suburban kids. When I look in the rearview mirror, I won't even remember what regret feels like.

I don't know how I earned so much animosity toward this place, but it's here, and it burns. I'm sick of the same faces, same voices, same bullshit. I'm tired of the flatness of this town, the seething dullness of its sky. 

I guess there's something symbolic in my love for the sunset here. The only beauty I can find is in the ending.

 But can we just take a second to bask in the glory of the fact that I will be living here soon? I'm still shell-shocked by how quickly and easily my dreams have come together. I will be waking up to palm trees and beaches, the Santa Ynez mountains and paradise weather in just a few months. 

I can't believe it. I can't believe it's happened, and that it's happening. I got into my dream school. I'll be living a four minute walk from the beach. I'll be free--

Free from landlocked towns and childish drama, identical faces and the immature mindsets. I'm ready to leave. Okay, I admit, there are a select few traits, a couple of exclusive individuals that I've accepted can't be found elsewhere. But some things are worth letting go.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in this reality. I can't remember how time works, if I was ever taught how it works, if anybody really knows. How can the years pass like colorful blurs, and yet the days drag until I can leave?

It's like suddenly being aware of your breathing. I just need to remember to breathe.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Roll down your windows, it's raining outside

Ice cream was made for gloomy days like this.

I don't know where it all went wrong. It was 76 degrees yesterday. 76 degrees. I freaking went to the beach on Saturday. But now all is lost. It's cold outside. I'm wearing my potato clothes, clothes that should have been in hibernation. This is not my happy place.

These are some dope-ish pictures I took from watching the track & field team practice, back during better days when the wind was under 10 miles per hour and the sun existed.

By the way, the beach was awesome on Saturday. It was 70 degrees and warm and I got to splash around in the water and embarrass my best friend in the process. I can't wait to move closer to the ocean. Whether it's Santa Barbara or Hawaii or Santa Cruz or Long Beach, I know I am going to be so much happier in a coastal town. Not in a dreary death trap.

For some reason, math class brings out a really creative side of me that seems to get blocked out otherwise. I don't know. I feel like I've already lost my muse, and it's not even March yet.

Every time I try to be somewhat productive, I remember how fast everything moves. Months go by every time I close my eyes. First it's March, then April, spring, summer, fall semester, winter finals, and before I know it- there goes another year. Prom, senior trip, graduation, road trip, Disneyland, Hawaii, legal birthday, first day of college. I'm eighteen, then I'm twenty-one, twenty-five, thirty, forty, sixty, eighty, dead. Bam. That's it. There's my life.

I am having another one of those meltdowns where I realize how little I've done and, at the same time, suffer from how little I want to do. I want to fly around the world and curl up in my bed at the same time. I want to change a generation and never speak again.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

In the middle

So... somehow, over the course of the week, I found myself (co)president of the Photography Club. Which actually turned out a lot better than I thought it would. These are some of the results of our first project, which was long exposures with steel wool. Pretty bad-ass, if I do say so myself. My only regret is that I didn't get to put this on my college apps. Why couldn't we start this a few months ago when I was writing personal statements about leadership? Oh well.

Everything's going smoothly for second semester of senior year (!!!) Work's cool, school's cool. It's so hard to exert effort of any kind at school knowing that all I have to do is coast by until graduation. Friend issues have all been resolved and clarified. Even the weather is clearing up. I still can't shake the feeling that I'm missing something.

My English class was having a really loud discussion while I was trying to nap today. They were saying something about how Pride & Prejudice had too nice of an ending, and my teacher said something like, "It's hard to accept that life can be happy." 

As much as I hate to admit that a teacher is right, it's totally true. I just have this weird nagging in the back of my head like something's about to go wrong.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Sing About Me, I'm Dying of Thirst

I guess you could say that my capacity for decision-making has been questionable at best. What can ya do? I'm selfish, I'm indecisive. I'm the kind of person who wants to have her cake and eat it too. Always.

 I think it's funny that people think I'm shy, because I'm not. I'm not shy enough, sometimes, I think. Ask any of my close friends, they probably have at least one story of me embarrassing them (and myself) halfway to death. I lack a filter. I think I'm funny so I try to be funny (which has led to some really awkward moments with bosses/teachers/basically older people upon which my awkward Comedy-Central-inspired humor is lost. Or maybe I'm just not funny.)


I think most of the time when I'm not talking, I'm thinking really hard or zoning out about something. And that something is usually dumb, like what to eat for dinner or how awesome I'm going to be in college.

I don't know what I'm doing, or saying anymore. It feels like I've been writing gibberish. I have been listening to a lot (A LOT) of rap music lately and I have just been in a generally party-up mood because the reality of reality is looming closer and closer. 

Graduation's in three months. Prom- shit, prom is in three months. I think I already have a dress picked out, which, I don't know, is that ridiculous or normal? I've never been to a prom before, so I don't know anything. I just realized that I've never actually been to a high school dance. Is that crazy or what? I'm kind of proud of my record, though, and it's not like I spent those nights sitting on the couch; I have some pretty good stories of replacement-winter-formals and Homecomings. It's been a good time.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Photographs I wish I had taken and other realizations

Photographed by Henri Cartier-Bresson

I have been experimenting a lot with portraits as well as studying some photographers that have caught my eye. I was lucky enough to be able to attend a gallery showing of Diane Arbus' photography in San Francisco, and a lot of her portraits and scenes were so captivating and stuck with me. As a Californian, Ansel Adams also has a special place in my heart. Moon Over Half Dome is probably one of my all-time favorite photos.

I have also taken a liking to Henri Cartier-Bresson, also known as the father of street photography. His pictures tell great stories and his philosophies on the "deciding moment" and using geometry to make photos interesting to look at is something I'm trying to practice.

It's such a strange revelation but I really am going to miss the hell out of this town when I'm gone. It's a new feeling to me because I've always been on the tips of my toes ready to get out of here at the first opportunity, but suddenly as the end of high school approaches, I'm reaching back, trying to grab onto the railings. 

I don't think I've ever heard someone say "I love this town" until recently, and his opinion just gave me this whole weird mind-blown feeling. That someone could love this town, want to stay in it forever. And I thought about it and thought about it for so long. 

I thought about it watching the pink and fire sunset that you can't get anywhere else, the seventy-four deserted parks with bored teens and halfhearted graffiti, the smell of cow that permeates the air at the same time every day, and the people I've met who I can't forget.

I don't love this town. I don't think I ever will. I wasn't born here, I'd never die here. But I'm glad, I know now, to have grown up in this dinky little farm-town-turned-suburb, with its strange and wacky people. I'll miss it when I'm older. I already miss it now, thinking about making new friends and new special places, finding a new favorite milkshake stand to invade when there's nothing else to do (which is pretty much every single second.)

I'm drowning in growing up, lost in that slow space you fade into as I jump off the cliff like a bird learning to fly. I don't know what to think anymore, or where to go. I'm just glad to have been here.